he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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