did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
