It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
