Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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