all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
