Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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