I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
