there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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