not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
