Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
