just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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