I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
