Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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