is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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