he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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