Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
