Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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