i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
