From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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