I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Drunk is a universal language darling
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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