Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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