We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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