I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
