It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
