I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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