New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
