Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
