Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
