i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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