um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
