Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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