I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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