Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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