Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
