Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize