And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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