tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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