I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize