i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
