You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
