4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
