You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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