It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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