I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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