I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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