I wanna bring you to show and tell
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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