How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
