You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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