Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
