Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
