Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize