I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I could fuck to npr.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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