The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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