Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
