Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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