and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
