Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize