Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
