my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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