Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize