Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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