Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Randomize
