i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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