I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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