Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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