I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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