Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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