I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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