i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
