everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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