I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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