i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
