oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
