I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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