Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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