god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize