you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
