I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize